I miss you. Dead simple as that. I can go around everyday pretending I’m over you, but day by day you creep back into my mind. Like a plague you infest every cell in my mind, in my heart. 

Everytime I see you its as if the poison goes for the killing blow and yet I fight every single time. I’ve no idea how long I can keep this facade up before I crumble and break down. Maybe you don’t even care, maybe I never ever mattered to you. Just a fraction of your past that you’ve left behind you.

But trust God I will, as hopeless and as pathetic things are. I have faith. Faith that things will be better, faith that God has planned my future out. A little hope and reassurance might just save me after all.

I can’t go around fixing everyone but myself.

Truth is, no one understands.

Maybe its too much to ask for. For someone who understands. For someone to stay. Nights like these just kill me, remembering how things used to be. Remembering the friends who made up my life, but are now merely a figment of my memory. Its not the first time people have walked out on my life and it probably won’t be the last. 

I’m just looking for someone who stays, no matter how badly it sucks to stay. It’s like being there for people all the time, but when I need someone myself, I literally only have myself. It’s tiring and its killing me.

Recap and reboot.

Okay, holiday period is pretty much over. And my term results are back. Did pretty well and I think I’ve really slacked off cause of that. I’ve skipped at least half of my math and econs lectures in the past 2 weeks xD Now I’m pretty much lost and I’ve no idea what’s going on. Bad.

The June holidays really did fuck with me. Shit happened, and I’ve been sleeping 3-4AM nights. Which generally make me more sleepy than I am already during normal days. (which is pretty darn fucking sleepy)

The more I think about it, it isn’t that JC is stressful or full of studying. But I’m just not having fun. Many people think I’m kidding when I say I want to drop out off JC to poly. But boy am I fucking serious. I just haven’t found a suitable course and a way to tell my mum without her murdering me. I just miss the kind of high I feel when I was in school. Or maybe my class just doesn’t know how to have fun.

But whatever it is, I’m gonna do even better next term and for my promos. I’m not going to drop out off JC because the stress is killing me and I’m doing badly. If I’m going to leave, I’m going to leave with a bang. Which means at least 70 bloody rank points. I know I can do it.

Head strong. 

No Sleep.

Funny how I’ve a paper tomorrow. In roughly 7 hours. But I’m still awake. I can’t seem to force myself to sleep, sitting on my bed, with my laptop on my pillow. Yet once I wake up, I wish I was still asleep. Or even better, just dead.

Sometimes I think back, and I can’t help but wonder what went wrong. Because everything was fine, or so it seemed. Maybe my curiosity will drive me nuts, maybe my insatiable need to rationalise and understand everything will be my downfall. Maybe some things in life are just never meant to be understood.

And now these barrage of emotions are making me so confused. Sometimes I just forget everything and feel happy. Suddenly smiling out of no where. But then this creeping wave of sadness just decides to find me. But I’ve taught myself not to be sad, so it turns into anger. This mini-rage building inside of me. That sometimes I really hope someone would just do something to antagonise me. So that I could punch them and walk away.

What if one day I lose control of my emotions, of myself. And decide to give up and let it all out. The drive to live, to survive, to study, to even have fun. I guess this just sums it all up.

Gotta love the number of fucks in it.

Results are back!

So I guess week 2 of term 2 just ended. That was really fast and it feels as if orientation just ended last week. Sadly, I can’t continue to live in a fairytale, and I’ve got to face the reality of exams and results. Speaking about that, my term 1 results just came back. I must say I do feel a little disappointed, yet I’m still happy.

So here goes, and I’m gonna list it in a nice alphabetical order
Math: A
GP: B
Physics:C
Chemistry: YOU xD
Econs: ???

Obviously my results have not been terrific, like I got a U, for my strongest subject. Ironic isn’t it? x/ but somehow it feels really humbling to me. As if God wants to remind me of my past downfalls. I clearly remember the night before chem, I was like “aiya its gonna be too easy”. The next day when I saw my paper “fml. I hope I can score 2 digits”, which I wasn’t even able to! Unless you count 4.5 as double digit that is xD hahahahaa.

Though my results aren’t great as they stand, when compared to the rest of my class, I think I did pretty fine. My rank points are actually quite decent and so I’m happy. Even though I did miss my 4 As target(by a little bit xD), yet I’m still happy. And I guess that’s what’s most important!

I’m definitely gonna keep striving and 4 As for my common tests shall be goal:)

Asperger’s

Sometimes I really wish I had aspergers. So that I can be trapped in my own world. Encapsulated away from the rest of the world.
Why not right?

Take a look around

Term one of JC has finally ended. Not so much finally, ‘cos I actually enjoyed it but then again its been tiring:/ probably due to the lack of brain stimulation for a long long time after my Os haha. So I think its actually important for me to look back and reflect.

This term has been good. I’ve mostly been completing my homework, which is like the first time I’ve been so diligent as a student xD I’ve been cutting down on the hours I sleep in class from the whole day to just one or two more boring periods.. *cough* physics *cough* and maybe some math hehe. But I’m pretty sure I scored full marks for my chem test, and math test, other than the fact that for math, I forgot that determination has 2 Ts in it HAHAHA. And I guess that’s pretty much it for the academic side:)

On the other hand, rugby has been draining. Don’t get me wrong, I really love playing it. But reaching home at 9 every odd day, with muscle cramps all over just isn’t something I would look forward too:/ furthermore, my weight is starting to get to me. I’m only 55 kg, which is pathetically light in the rugby world. I’ve decided to work towards gaining 10kg through some hardwork(gyming) and some shortcuts(protein), hopefully by 2 months or so:) but all in all, I’m really enjoying myself:)

So I guess that’s it. Life has been good. God has definitely been watching over me:) and I sajc was definitely not something by chance xD

First MSA tomorrow! D:

Hmm tomorrow is my first MSA. Which is like a mini exam in JC for those who don’t know. Its kinda stressing after only getting 13/25 for the gp essay I submitted to my teacher and being told that this might be the difference between promoting and retaining:(

But I shall remain confident as like english is my first language and I’ve been writing argumentative essays since forever! Haha and so I MIGHT have an edge over some of the other students ;)

Finally, its been so long since I’ve blogged here. Mainly cause school has been so hectic with training and everything else!! Hahaha but, but I’m actually enjoying school and looking forward to it x) rugby training has been fun, yet I’m worried that I’m too noob D: but who cares its still a good experience!:)

First challenge of JC life coming up tomorrow, I’m sure God will be with me. Game on:)